mental breakthrough

I had a mental breakthrough today. For the first time in my life, I realized that there was nothing more I could do. That things were either going to go well, or they weren’t. That stressing out about it really wasn’t going to get me anywhere. That it was time to just let it lie and see what would happen.

I’m talking about our HIV Counseling & Testing Tournament (HCT). An HCT is a tournament in which local soccer teams and members of the community have the opportunity to compete in a soccer tournament, play GRS activities and get tested for HIV. Last year Kimberley had no money in our budget to hold any HCTs so this is not only the first HCT that Trevor and are running, but also the first HCT for almost half of our coaches!

So now you are probably wondering how it is that I came to be in my current state of mind. Most of you reading this are probably aware that I am a micro-manager, nitty-gritty perfectionist who is awful at delegating, and when it comes to event planning (Anchor Slam ring any bells for anyone?) I over think every detail imaginable. And then some.

But I didn’t do that for this HCT. I’m not sure why (it could be the fact that we only have three people doing the same amount of work that other sites have upwards of six people doing, or it could be that I’ve just had a ton on my mind lately) and I don’t want to make excuses – I just wasn’t as focused as I should have been on this HCT. As a result, today I experienced a whirlwind of emotions as my mental state oscillated from, “this is going to be the best event ever!” to, “oh shit… we are doomed.”

The day started off pretty well. I met most of our coaches in Roodepan (where we are holding the event) and we spent two hours walking around the streets of Roodepan handing out fliers and telling anyone that would listen about our event. From kids that wanted to make a soccer team to adults who expressed interest in testing for HIV, we got some great responses! The funniest thing about our mobilization efforts however, was the fact that Coach Nthabi was exploiting me in order to draw people to our event.

A white girl walking around Roodepan (or any of the townships for that matter) is not a common sight. I usually get a lot of attention from all sorts of people, but it never fails that certain young men will hit on me. Any time a guy (or a group of guys) asked me my name or for my numbers, Nthabi would say, “ah ah – if you come tomorrow, she’ll be there and you can talk to her all you want.” I didn’t totally condone this method of mobilization, but I do think it’s going to help attract some guys to our event (not to sound too egotistical). I just hope I don’t actually have to talk to any of them…

I was feeling really good after our mobilization efforts. But when I got back to the office to gather all necessary materials and make the final preparations, it happened. At around 3 PM I got a text message – not even a phone call – from the Department of Health saying they weren’t coming to our event! This happened after I spoke with them earlier in the week and earlier in the day, confirming the details of the event. I was livid!

Thembi and I drove to the DoH and after 45-minutes of discussions/ negotiations we finally left with 200 testing kits and the phone numbers for two Community Health Workers that could help us test. But this incident was enough to shake my confidence a good bit.

After discussing the soccer portion of the tournament with Trevor, writing the “Coach’s Guide to an HCT” and loading both cars with HCT materials, I finally got to leave work for the day. I headed straight to the gym, knowing that working out would be my best bet for getting my thoughts in order. It was there that I realized there was nothing more I could do for the HCT, so there was no point worrying. I went home, showered, ate and proceeded to sleep like a baby. I wish I had learned to detach from events the night before years ago!